This Man Obviously Hates America

This is House Minority Leader John Boehner, (whose family is really tired of telling everyone, "It's pronounced BAY-ner!") and this is his official photograph.

I saw Representative Boehner on some Sunday news talk show this morning and I sensed something disingenuous, maybe even evil in the man. Then I realized what it was. He was not wearing an American Flag Lapel Pin. If you do a Google image search for Boehner, you'll have a hard time finding this Ohio Catholic Republican wearing an American Flag Lapel Pin. I think someone has some explaining to do.

Surely Representative Boehner understands that one's patriotism is measured by the symbolic act of wearing a cheap, Chinese-made trinket on the lapel.

Good people of the 8th congressional district of Ohio, I hope you do not re-elect this man, whose allegiances are suspect, whose loyalties lie perhaps with dangerous groups that hate America and whose own refusal to prove his love for his country make him ill-fit for public service.

When Advertising Was Innocent

Nothing untoward or even mildly suggestive going on here. What? You've never seen a guy feeding a woman a hot dog? You've never seen another guy lurking creepily as another woman eats a hot dog? I really think you're reading too much into this innocent picnic scene from yesteryear.

Although, the dude without a date is really into that bottle as he reaches for a bunch of bananas.

Via.

If Anyone Clicked This...

...I'd really be surprised.

While plotting my escape from these States United , I've become momentarily fascinated by the least visited of the three US Virgin Islands , St. Croix. Somewhere in my link-hopping, I encountered this banner ad.

What was the designer thinking? Why grab a not-very-funny stock photo of the stereotypical "tourists" in flowered shirts, laden with multiple cameras, goofy hats and bad sunglasses? Even the ugliest American, the most ignorant tourist, would know better than to look like this. And surely knows better than to click on such an image.

I hope. Maybe I overestimate the sense and smarts of my countrymen.

Let Me 'Splain it This Way

Many friends and readers are sending me links to this video of the professional jet fighter pilot who jumped from an airplane over the Swiss Alps and cruised to earth in a nice little 18-minute flight with his jet-powered wing-thing. They title the emails, “HERE’S YOUR JETPACK!”

It’s a nice sight to behold and looks like a thrilling ride, but no, that’s not my jetpack.

The only way I will stop asking the question “Where’s My Jetpack?” is when jetpacks are affordable to common folks like you and me and will safely convey us to and from our places of employment or the grocery store. It would also be nice if they didn’t sound like F-18s at full throttle and could fly for longer than a couple minutes on a tank of fuel. Another real benefit would be if they were available at Wal-Mart. I want them easy enough to operate that my Mom could handle one.

But more than that, “Where’s My Jetpack?” is at its heart a joke, a lament and an encouragement. The jetpack is simply a symbol of all the other things that were supposed to be here by now, promised to us by the advertisers, by Disney, by the government and all the other dreamers. As it says over in the sidebar in the “What’s The Meaning of This?” section: “The future is now, and we’re still waiting.”

And we will wait forever. Maybe the jetpack will be here in a hundred years, but I really ask the question to keep people from getting too pessimistic, believe it or not. It’s not just about a lack of technology or futuristic fun that hasn’t arrived. It’s about that grand Utopian vision that we will never achieve. As the song goes:

Where’s the end of war and freedom from disease?
Where’s the milk and honey from sea to shining sea?
Where are the crime-free cities and rockets on our backs?
Where are the smooth moving sidewalks? Where’s my jetpack?

The biggest lie ever foisted upon our optimistic species is, “You shall be as gods.” Here are some things I know about the future:

• There will always be liars, cheaters and thieves, hiding behind asterisks followed by fine print.
  
• Barack Obama isn’t bringing world peace.
• John McCain is not a maverick. He's a typical phony politician.
• You will always encounter spiteful and hateful bastards and bitches wherever you go.
• People will likely always be starving somewhere in this world.
• Life is only easy once in a great while.

As long as you know that the promises made to us and the dreams held out in front of us by our leaders, the media (and their sponsors) are usually a bunch of crap, you can do what you need to do, rarely being disappointed. You won’t be expecting a handout. You may be offering a hand-up. You might take a moment to appreciate what you have right here, right now.

That’s a roundabout way to arrive at optimism, I know, and I'm still working on it. But I have always learned the hard way.

A hovercraft in every drive
Instant breakfast on the table at 6:45
Rocket to the moon and race right back
to my holograph room and my new jetpack

Remember, I was gonna watch your dreams
On a flush-mounted giant plasma flat-screen
Baby, we were gonna live forever
With a wish and a pill and the pull of a lever

Heaven on Earth in a God Free Zone
Where we all get along and no one’s alone
A paradise of plenty where nobody lacks
We're all flying around with our own jetpacks

If It's Thursday, It Must Be...

...Band Names From Google News. (This is getting old, I think.)

Part XIII in a sporadic Thursday series

It’s become fashionable, some would say downright smart, to name your one-man/one-woman singer/songwriter act something besides your given name. Good example is Sea Wolf, known as a “band,” but in reality is just one guy. Unless you have a simple name that almost sounds made up, like say Joe Smith or maybe Jack Johnson, you need something better. And Mr. Johnson might do well to rebrand himself at this stalled point in his career. I would suggest “Barefoot Stoner Repetition.” You may also use your own name if it's some sort of bizarre joke. Like if you're a black man and you have a goofy white name, you will be successful, no matter your level of talent. Just ask Lenny Kravitz.

So anyway, all you lone-wolf dudes and chicas singing your hearts out in crappy clubs on open mic nights, here are some names you might try on, gleaned from today’s headlines at Google News.

• Inevitable Cloak
• Molotov Mullet Man
• Cool at Cannes
• A Bit Wary
• The French Teachers
• Question Direction
• Sorry I Called You Sweetie

I’ve been known to pose as Radio Free Babylon.

Here are 83 more.

Seven Other Places

Here are seven other places on the Internet you could be right now.

1. Every Presidential campaign logo since 1960. (Page might take some time to load.)
2. It's an animated chimp movie, with jetpacks! (With Amtrak as a sponsor? Sure to suck.)
3. Huge in Brazil, ancient Canadian power trio Rush. Their fans down there even sing to the instrumentals.
4. Meatwater. (Thanks, Fish & Chimps.)
5. The Obama worship has officially gone too far.
6. Passionate-White-person-teaches-inner-city-youth-to-shine.
7. A cool design firm wants you to work for them. You'll have to move to Jordan.

Bug Thugs

I don't know who's doing the Orkin TV ads, but the approach is fresh and funny. (UPDATE: Wondergood informs me that it's The Richards Group of Dallas.) The series is called "Unwelcome Visitors." This ad's title is Broken Down. The success of the production is all in the voice of the bug.



Another equally well-done ad is called Pizza Delivery. See it here.

This Might Be Good

One of the writers for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart has a book coming out that should be good for a laugh. At least this promo for it is.



The author of this blog was not paid for this advertisement, but he is not rejecting the possibility of promoting stuff for cash.

All Aboard for a Stupid Idea

Guess what today is? It's the first ever National Train Day! How will you celebrate? Amtrak went to the trouble to create a micosite for us. I do like the Amtrak art. Bold and retro. Makes train travel seem exciting. I do hate the tag. Get your choo-choo on? Makes train travel seem gay.

They even have a poll you can participate in! Edgy. So 2.0. Hey, "Wheel of Fortune" got involved! That gives it an instant hip factor. Apparently Pat and Vanna talked about National Train Day on May 5th! Damnit! I missed it.

Fix the system, Amtrak! Quit with the gimmicks.

Previously in Amtrak Hatred
Amtrak SUCKS
Amtrak Keeps Sucking
I'm Almost Proud of Amtrak.

And read the comment a reader left about how Amtrak left her six year old daughter on the platform.

In the next administration, I want to be Transportation Secretary. My first act will be to fire the entire executive staff of Amtrak and import a bunch of German and Japanese train gurus. Then, to raise money to pay for the fixes they recommend, we will have a nationwide car-wash.

Another "Band Names From Google News!"

Part XII in a sporadic Thursday series

It’s not like the old days, when you could say, “Hey! Let’s call ourselves The Vandals or The Wallflowers or The Cure or The Clash.” You can’t be “The” anything and expect a second look, unless it’s really outstanding like “The Fall of Man,” “The Icelandic Hookers” or “The Syringes.”

Better to call yourself something strange and curious, the better to draw the masses to your logo and merch marketing plan, which is what you’re after anyway, as your music is crap. (I’m talking to you Panic! At The Disco.)

So, young dreamers, ditch the dumb name and find a better one, courtesy of today’s headlines at Google News.

• Senator Zombie
• Fossella’s Daughter
• Colorvoter
• Magic Pistons
• 4000 Farm Workers
• Reeling from a Drubbing
• Substantial Threat

I've got 76 more.

I Blog, Therefore, I Am

I tend to think of this blog as an online magazine of stupid and sometimes interesting stuff. That's one of the reasons I never do a post without an image in it. (This ain't The New Yorker. It's more like Highlights for Children or Mad.) That's also the reason I will go back and edit a post if I later find misspellings or half-baked thoughts not fully fleshed out. Or if I find some twisted language that makes no sense, such as using "half-baked" and "fleshed out" in a sentence together. Baked flesh.

Traffic to this little corner of the World Wide Waste of Time has crept up slowly, but there is no way to "monetize" that light trickle and you will never see contextual ads in the sidebar. Maybe someday when I reach 100,000 hits a day I can start selling t-shirts and plastic awareness bracelets. Until then, it's just a place to create, because oftentimes my job doesn't allow me to do that.

Here are some of the things being said around the world about Where's My Jetpack?

"Brilliantly subversive."
Advance, a Danish agency

"I'm quite fond of Mr. Jetpacks."
Stan Lee, Melbourne, Australia

"It must be nice typing rants to yourself."
Some anonymous commenter

Cuttin' Slack for Good Customer Service

I called the garage where my car is being worked on today. It's been two days. They’re usually pretty prompt. Al answered the phone. He’s a nice guy with a thick accent that I can’t place, though it's somewhere in America’s Northeast. Al explained that it’d been a hectic day and they were “working on it.” Having a hectic day myself, I understood. In fact, I’ll bet our jobs aren’t much different, Al’s and mine. (And agencies love to call themselves "shops.")

When I think about it, my job now isn’t much different from many jobs. When I was a room service waiter at a resort in San Diego years ago, we’d arrive at 3 in the afternoon, get buried in work, help each other out, run around like mad dogs trying to keep ahead of the rush, find a brief lull where we caught our breath, then another rush, unexpected complaints and do-overs, solve problems, sneak a beer, (we had a friend in Purchasing who kept us stocked in iced-down Heineken) clean up the area, restock and shut the place down at 11:00 and go home. Same here, except for the sneak a beer part. Probably the same for Al at the garage. Or an emergency room surgeon. Or a Navy chaplain. An automotive designer. A Defense Department programmer. Elementary school janitor. OK, we're not saving lives or protecting the Pentagon's servers where I work, but you get the idea. We’re all keeping ahead of the rush, solving problems and going home.

At day's end Craig from the garage called me. "What's up?" I inquired cheerily, fully expecting the "Come pick up your car," notice. "I screwed up and ordered the wrong part," Craig said, "It won't be ready until tomorrow. But I thought I'd just give you the news upfront rather than beat around the bush."

Craig screwed up. He was honest about it. We're out of a car for another day. But we'll deal. And the same garage will get our business next time the car needs servicing. They always treat us fairly.

When we're straight with clients, even when we're late on a job due to our own screw-ups, we're likely to get some slack cut our way.

Someday I’m going to bring a case of beer, on ice, to Al, Craig and their crew.

Alt + Tab as Fast as You Can

Occasionally it is required in CubeWorld^TM that we get up and visit another cube to talk something over with a colleague. As I walk up and down the aisles, I watch as screens quickly shift back to work-related stuff when the cube occupants hear footsteps or see shadows. They're always a second too late. There's the young designer who enjoys celebrity gossip and is always minimizing a movie or TV site. There's the Long Island transplant obsessed with all things Yankees, exiting to a production spreadsheet when I approach. We have a Brit proofreader who is very active on eBay. One of my fellow writers has an amusing attachment to Barbies and can be caught leaving his favorite Barbie forum where he is responding to his fellow collectors.

Just leave the window up. It's better than looking guilty. Share what you're looking at with whomever happens to wander in. We all do it, so quit pretending to be working when someone approaches. You'll get your work done. We trust you. It's OK to have fun once in a while.

Spellcheck Next Time

This Houston protester...never mind.


via

Bossman Speaking The Text Again

...and that's never pretty.

Clickalicious

And Now, A National Snapshot

I've noticed that the talking heads and political pundits are multiplying on TV. There are a dozen on every news show, and they all parrot each other. I've watched enough that I think I now qualify as a talking head and political pundit on TV.

My turn:

• Blacks who voted for Clinton in 92 or 96 and who attend church favor Obama by 90%.
• Blacks who voted for Bush in 92 or Dole in 96 and don’t attend church are really hard to find, but they favor Obama by 90%.
• Blacks who think Obama was uncool toward his pastor and is acting out of political expediency support Obama by 90%.
• Blacks who think Bill Clinton was “the first black president” support Obama by 90%.
• Blacks who think Hillary Clinton’s use of a John Mellencamp song as her stump speech background music is really stupid support Obama by 90%.
• Whites who secretly hate black people support Clinton by 51%.
• Whites who want us to “move beyond discussions of race” are obviously white.
• Blue collar, rural whites are perplexed that every four years people act like they care about them.
• Republicans are voting for McCain, even though they don’t like him.
• Conservative evangelicals feel neglected this year. McCain will win them in the end on a single issue.
• White, rural, college-educated, female, lesbian, blue collar Christians are just really interesting, independent and very hard to pin down. I think they are the key swing voters this year.
  

and then...the world stopped turning

It's like a strange disturbance in the force. I feel a collective, universal cry of, "Now what am I going to do on a Saturday morning?"

Not What They Had in Mind, I'd Bet

Click it and it will grow

Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin, John Adams and a few compatriots wait in line at the Florida DMV. Your democracy at work.

Hopefully they'll register to vote as they get their driver's licenses.

And since what you say on the Internet lives forever and can't be taken back, even if you delete the post, I would like to take this opportunity to recant my earlier denunciation of Paul Giamatti's performance in the HBO mini-series, John Adams. He grew into the role and did a great job in the final episodes in which we saw Adams retire to his farm in Massachusetts to live a life of hard work and constant heartbreak.

More Band Names from Google News

Part XI in a sporadic Thursday series

So your band broke up and the founder claims rights to the name? Don’t fight him in court. His vision for the group was stupid anyway and a clean break from him and his dictatorial ways is what you and the rest of the group need. You also need someone who can sing and play guitar. And write songs.

But first things first. You need a new name. Let me help. These are possible band/group/musical act names you can use, inspired by today’s headlines on Google News.

• The Mayors of London
• Madam Suicide
• Genetic Discrimination
• Poll Driven
• Billy Ray Pervert
• Belated Condemnation
• The New Mexican Doomsday Church

Nothing jumping off the page for you, huh? I've got 69 more. Try one of these.

Editorial Fun at Wikipedia

Ever wonder about the origins of May Day? I frequently look up random things, like "where do we get the phrase..." and I generally trust Wikipedia for accuracy. Here's a great entry from Wikipedia about May Day:









No sooner did I discover that and grab a screen shot and they've got a redirect on the page to point to the real article here. The difference in the URLs was an uppercase "D" on the joke entry.

Now I have to go look up why pilots about to crash in old war movies shouted "Mayday, mayday!"

Tire Tracks All Across Your Back

Click for bigishness.